Bumsy clugger

Today has been quite a success for me.. only 2 incidents so far. I scraped the car against a brand new transporter at the petrol station then dropped some full beer bottles on the floor.

Thing is, I know that things like this happens in threes, so I am a little nervous. I have a loaf of bread baking in the oven... burn, knife cut? Soup on the hob... scald, drop precious heirloom le crueset pot? Kids' bathtime... so many possibilities, and only one accident left.

I am afraid to come out from behind the sofa. Here goes. Ow shit I banged my head. Really hard. Owwwww.

Phew.

Wardrobe malfunction

Things are a bit disorganised at the moment. In the spectrum of disorganisation I am generally on the scale of 6 out of 10. A bit more scatty than average, less bonkers than Vivienne Westwood.

So the last couple of days have been a bit more on the 8 scale. The familiar combo of juggling school pick up with a fairly demanding job led to me running to school in time for the pick up. I am proud to say that I made it. Am less proud to say that by the time I got to the after school craft class in the local church a fellow mum pointed out to me that my blouse was unbuttoned at least two too many. In front of God People. Down to my tummy button.

The shame passed quickly, after all Adam and Eve were intended to be bare. But the next day...

Well normally I get up first. I get dressed in the dark as the Lovely Husband is still snoring, despite my deliberate noises. I do the school drop, ensuring make up is applied to ensure fellow mums aren't scared.

But on the way back I noticed I had A Lot of cat hair on me. A cushion's worth. I was also wearing a top that was see through. And my belt was undone. Flapping around my legs like a quarter of a disappointed leather octopus.

9/10... I was quite relieved I had matching shoes on the correct feet. Let's be thankful for small mercies.

Grooming

Did the cursory look in the mirror on getting up.

Wrinkles? Check.

Dark circles under eyes? Check.

Last night's make up? Check.

Grey roots? Check.

Eyebrows? Eyebrows? Oh God. What has happened to my eyebrows?

Oh. I see. The evidence is before me. An empty bottle of rose, a wine glass with a drop of pink wine in the bottom at the end of the bed, the tweezers... hazy recollections...

I am going to have to try and work the startled look for the next couple of weeks. Or maybe have a long fringe cut in. Yeah... Maybe I can do that tonight. I'll pop a bottle in the fridge right now.

Please miss, I forgot my son

Start of the new school year!

Daughter... Excited. Son... Scared. So to make it run smoothly I broke away from the norm and Got Organised. I packed up two separate bags, one with daughters books and dap bag and Wellies, separate one for son (just starting, hence the fear). So organised. I was very proud. Diary (yes diary, that's how organised I am) said son starts 10.30, so I calmly walked daughter to school leaving son at home with daddy. But I noticed there were lots of little people walking to school. Like properly little with shiny uniforms and shiny shoes. Diary wrong.

First day of school and I forgot my son.

Sparkly damsel

Oh again. Another embarrassing episode.

Poor old Poorly Car got a bit of a pummeling last week on a nasty hill start and made a funny noise until I ignored it. But it did it again tonight and felt ..'funny'. This is the official term.

So I resorted to calling out the AA. Not the wine one, the car one.

A peaceful wait in a quite spooky car park... only interrupted by the noise of my tummy rumbling...then arrives my knight in shining orange reflective stuff, eating chips.

And my superhero swoops, taking the keys from my trembling hand, deftly switches on the engine (oh my... *bites bottom lip*) and...

The sodding engine purred like a kitten. Nothing wrong stupid woman he thought as he politely handed me a bit of paper to sign (the idiot agreement).

I think I could cope with the embarrassment had I not been wearing my full belly dancing outfit.  Now come to think of it... it could have been me rattling...

I really shouldn't be let out.

Bittersweet

One definition: gazing lovingly at fast asleep child (they are always better that way) and in doing so stubbing toes on furniture. Aaahhhowwww.

It appears wine is bad for you

I know this because I drank some and got some down the wrong way. I have been coughing for several minutes. Be warned.

holiday

A fairly typical start to our family holiday: one million loads of washing done in preparation. Arrangements for feeding B Cat. A days worth of packing. A big shop for food. Late leaving. Everyone grumpy. Torrential rain. No petrol. Not enough space in the car.

'I need a wee are we nearly there yet mummy he hurt me no she started it' 'guys please stop we haven't even got off the drive' *aaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh*

We are going to Wales for Two Nights.

Meece

Is meece the plural of mice? Perhaps the collective noun? Bloody Cat seems to want a collection, but I have foiled her plans temporarily by putting the latest exhibit in the bin.

 Pahah to your evil plans Bloody Cat, said I.  Bloody Cat went outside sheepishly. Well I would like to think that. Bloody Cat  actually went outside with the intention of bringing further Meece, and Sheepishs.

Time monsters

What's going on? I have no time. It gets eaten by the giant invisible time monsters.

I think there are lots of different ones, a bit like dinosaurs.  

I have identified some of the monsters... 

Pinterest - This is pretty, flowery and eats not only your time but your sense of reality. Seemingly harmless, but could easily create a lot of damage.  A nice diplodocus.

Cleaning up - This is the groundhog version of the time eating monster.  I'm sure I must emptied this dishwasher / washed these pants / picked up this bit of Lego / taken this bit of Lego out of my foot (ow).  A velociraptor in it's viciousness and speed.

Work - this is a beast. It really gets in the way.  And at work, there are individually sub-monsters such as making tea, talking about how much work you have to do whilst not actually doing any work, doing work that other people ignore, drinking tea, washing tea cups. Big Fat Vicious T Rex with fleas and worms.  

Blogging - this is the lesser spotted monster which makes you stay up late and gets your husband annoyed for waking him up as you stumble into the dark.  A cockroach?

Whatever... the time monsters owe me some sleep.  Nighty night.

End of term

End of term.

Good things:
not saying 'getdressedgetdressedgetdressedstopmessingaroundgetdressedhonestlyiamnotkiddingwearelateagainpleasegetdressedgetdressedGETDRESSEDFORGODSSAKEokimgoingwithoutyounoyoucanttakethecat'
Not saying 'comecomeonpleasedontlookatthemouldysweetonthefloorwearelatehurryupfotgodssakegetoutofthatpuddledontwslkinthepooohgodbrushitoffonyhegrassohgodbrushthatoffontheotherbitifgrassnowecantgodownpooalley'
Not saying 'sorry we're late'

Bad things:
Saying 'look, we are going to have to get on for the next few weeks, so please stop the killing each other stuff just for a bit'
Saying 'only 42 days to go'
Saying 'sorry it's a bit last minute but...'

Looking forward to the two and a half days I get to go to work. Oh. Am I?

Imelda Marcos

This morning at 4am I discovered I have a lot of shoes. Really a lot. Not an excessive amount compared to your average female, but more than one would wish to have in a cupboard with a half dead mouse hiding in them. They are now all on the floor. In fact maybe I just have a small floor. Daughter later found the mouse in her room. *How cute it is* Until she saw its tail. Yuhuhhh! Left Bloody Cat to deal with it. Bloody Cat slept. **UPDATE found dead mouse in my slipper - hope its the Same One. It has a tail...**

Work life balance

Work life balance is a bit more like work life waltzer. Spun round untill sick, dizzy and utterly cheated of fun. My house smells too. How annoying is that? Have removed rotten robin corpse and mouse. Even did the washing up and emptied the compost caddy. Think Bloody Cat has left a frog behind the drier. But got ID'd today. The lovely lovely lady (in glasses) didn't believe I am thirty-ahem, but let me buy the pink wine when the bloke behind me laughed out loud.

Foodie

I have suddenly developed a fanatical interest in cooking blogs. Just to make it clear, I do not cook very well. But I do most certainly do very well at eating. Actually, to be honest, today, following a weekend-long hangover, I have been unable to do anything other than gawp at stuff on tinternet. Bad mum. We had fish and chips for lunch and beans on toast for tea by the way.

Tweet

This is precisely what noise the robin under my bed was NOT making at 6am. It was more ungodly. Like 'skreeeep... skreeeep' each time the cat battered it. Husband and I had a 'discussion' about cats' homes. He didn't buy the 'she's showing us she loves us' line. Stood on the pointy bit of a brooch taking the corpse downstairs. Think I agree with the husband now.

Clot

I am proud to announce another show of spectacular clumsiness, yes I gave my public another of my Idiot Falls. Carrying the ruddy blinking recycling out my ankle forgot to work properly (been taking tips from the remote controls no doubt, although I can generally find my ankle) and did a Wibbly Flop Splat on the step. Husband raced to... turn up the volume on the telly. Couldn't even swear, someone was walking past. Didn't get a round of applause but I do have some blood on my back. Oh hang on, that's pizza sauce.

Groundhog

Things that happen every day, that also happened today: 1) Daughter, despite being asked, does not get dressed in the morning. 2) Daughter, despite being asked twice, does not get dressed in the morning. 3) Daughter, despite, ah well, you probably know, today was eight times then I whipped her nightie off myself. 4) Daughter, after several times of asking, lets me do her hair. 5) Daughter wriggles. 6) Daughter goes to school looking like Wurzel Gummidge. 7) Son has tantrum in supermarket. 8) Son does a poo, says 'finished', is not finished. X 2 9) Son does not want to get into bath. Negotiations occur. Bribery occurs. Emotional blackmail occurs. I pick up son and dunk him in bath. Big scream, apparent violation of human rights. 10) Son refuses to get out of bath. 11) I drink gin. 12) Husband falls asleep on sofa. Things that happened today that doesn't normally happen: 1) Son also had a tantrum in the Garden Centre. 2) Daughter didn't need to do a wee in the middle of ballet. 3) Son finally finished poo then checked his pants for aliens. 4) I had a beer before my gin.

Dunce

Bit slow at the sums today... 'come on then, let's wrap up daddy's birthday presents, look, we have got him a tub of jelly belly beans'. Put shopping away, all a bit quiet. 'are you ok up there?' 'grunt' ok, all fine, probably doing a poo, continue clearing up... 'are you sure you are ok honey?' 'yes mummy' - son emerges sticky faced. Oh yes, 4. 2 and 2 make 4. Need to buy daddy another present, quick.

Slug

Oh God, the sun has come out. Bad, bad, very bad. I have hairy everything, even my knees are hairy. My mates don't believe it but it is true. My colour is a slightly blue version of grey, and will only change if I a) burn the buggery out of my poor blue skin, or b) make myself both stripey and spotty with pretend tan. Therefore I wear jeans and just sweat a lot. Resulting in today's most embarrassing moment... having been seated in a hot hall for beloved daughter's school show I stood up to see (oh God it's too embarrassing) a big longitudinal gussety sweat stripe on the plastic chair.  Husband kindly pointed it out loudly and asked if I had laughed or sneezed. I can only hope that autumn comes early.

Punchbag

A little fed up with being the Baddie at work. Good job I have a thick skin. Oh. Ouch. Oops. Is that a teeny tiny hole in my skin? How did you find that, you arrogant bastards? I will win in the end.

Crash Bang Whallop

Got beaten up today by a 5 year old girl and her sword. Then, nursing a red slap mark, went to the best part of my week... the belly dancing class. Like a child I was showing off and fell over my own clumsy foot onto my clumsy arse. Nice move. Going to rename blog to 'this week's big moment of shame'.

4

Lowlight of the day: daughter excitedly hands son his birthday present, soft Kwaazi Kitten toy. Son opens birthday present from sister, says 'I don't want that, I hate it', throws it to end of bed. Silence. Daughter's lip wobbles and the Most Enormous Tear rolls down her face. Ugh its making my heart bleed even thinking about it.

Highlight: watching son clutching the aforementioned present for the rest of the day, especially the bit where he took Kwaazi for a bounce on the new trampoline, chatting away to him, then stopping, turning round and blowing me a kiss. Heart mended.

Life is better in the sunshine.

Charlady

Today has been mostly cleaning. With a bit of tidying, making, baking, bit more cleaning, some shopping, feeding, then suddenly I feel a bit tired? Bed or gin? Both.

Activist

The news always reminds me I am a bit of a leftie. Don't tell my mum.

Lovely things 3

Sew Scrumptious

Lard

My utter laziness has led to yet another Pizza Night. The new freezer makes that more attainable (NB blame freezer not pizza purchaser...). Also tried out the new ice cream maker today 'to get the kids to be interested in fruit'.  Yeah... some strawberries... WhatEverrr. I had to clean the bowl. And the ice cream out of it. I don't even like ice cream. Byebye size 12 forever.

Rain

Was woken up last night by tremendous rain and am now a little paranoid. First the plague of mice, hopefully now gone. Then a plague of tadpoles in my neglected garden flower pots. Plague of workmen continues, but is lightening somewhat... now could be considered a drought, just when they are needed to finish stuff. Then this rain. I have a plan. I will fashion an ark from leftover cabinets and workshops, and the 3 wrong taps they sent (you always need taps on an ark) and take with me 2 grumpy parents, 2 cheeky monkeys and a cat with 2 personalities. All aboard, tickets limited.

Hooray

A friend of mine has just got engaged. I found out at Bedtime so could only just do a teeny happy squeal. Happy days.

Oh b@gger

Lots and lots of money in the swear box today. The work on the house is going over time and 4 weeks without a sink are getting... well... smelly. Then lots of men put new floor down but it looks not very good. At all. Eyewateringly bad. Had to complain. More eye watering. Then of course I crashed the sh*t out of the car. Needless to say the children will be exposed to me drinking alcohol. I'm sure it won't scar them. I think Justin's House is more painful than a sobbing gin soaked mum. Don't you?

Oh dear, a little woozy this morning. Quiz night for the school, very fun but I got a little 'overexcited'. Highlight / lowlight... finding a penny 'see a penny, pick it up the rest of the day you have good luck... see a penny, stick it in your bra, the rest of the night you'll be a quiz superstar' I bellowed. Woke up this morning with a penny stuck to my tit. Had to scrub quite hard in the shower to get the green off.

Lovely things 2

http://ethangiraffe.blogspot.co.uk/

Lovely things

Www.coolkidscookware.co.uk

Just fab, will be posting about this a lot!

Oof

Ow, banged my head. Mostly today hasn't been that great so far.

Today...

So far... A wife waking up next to a husband, a mother of a warm cuddly 3 year old boy, a mother of a 5 year old warm fidgety daughter. A nagger of aforementioned still in bed a bit late husband. A school run mum. A taxi to nursery, a forgetful turning round back to home collect something back to nursery taxi, a phone up late plumber to postpone complainant, a commuter, a part time employee, a building project fussy client. And now a blogger. Time for a cuppa, don't you think?