Clot

I am proud to announce another show of spectacular clumsiness, yes I gave my public another of my Idiot Falls. Carrying the ruddy blinking recycling out my ankle forgot to work properly (been taking tips from the remote controls no doubt, although I can generally find my ankle) and did a Wibbly Flop Splat on the step. Husband raced to... turn up the volume on the telly. Couldn't even swear, someone was walking past. Didn't get a round of applause but I do have some blood on my back. Oh hang on, that's pizza sauce.

Groundhog

Things that happen every day, that also happened today: 1) Daughter, despite being asked, does not get dressed in the morning. 2) Daughter, despite being asked twice, does not get dressed in the morning. 3) Daughter, despite, ah well, you probably know, today was eight times then I whipped her nightie off myself. 4) Daughter, after several times of asking, lets me do her hair. 5) Daughter wriggles. 6) Daughter goes to school looking like Wurzel Gummidge. 7) Son has tantrum in supermarket. 8) Son does a poo, says 'finished', is not finished. X 2 9) Son does not want to get into bath. Negotiations occur. Bribery occurs. Emotional blackmail occurs. I pick up son and dunk him in bath. Big scream, apparent violation of human rights. 10) Son refuses to get out of bath. 11) I drink gin. 12) Husband falls asleep on sofa. Things that happened today that doesn't normally happen: 1) Son also had a tantrum in the Garden Centre. 2) Daughter didn't need to do a wee in the middle of ballet. 3) Son finally finished poo then checked his pants for aliens. 4) I had a beer before my gin.

Dunce

Bit slow at the sums today... 'come on then, let's wrap up daddy's birthday presents, look, we have got him a tub of jelly belly beans'. Put shopping away, all a bit quiet. 'are you ok up there?' 'grunt' ok, all fine, probably doing a poo, continue clearing up... 'are you sure you are ok honey?' 'yes mummy' - son emerges sticky faced. Oh yes, 4. 2 and 2 make 4. Need to buy daddy another present, quick.

Slug

Oh God, the sun has come out. Bad, bad, very bad. I have hairy everything, even my knees are hairy. My mates don't believe it but it is true. My colour is a slightly blue version of grey, and will only change if I a) burn the buggery out of my poor blue skin, or b) make myself both stripey and spotty with pretend tan. Therefore I wear jeans and just sweat a lot. Resulting in today's most embarrassing moment... having been seated in a hot hall for beloved daughter's school show I stood up to see (oh God it's too embarrassing) a big longitudinal gussety sweat stripe on the plastic chair.  Husband kindly pointed it out loudly and asked if I had laughed or sneezed. I can only hope that autumn comes early.

Punchbag

A little fed up with being the Baddie at work. Good job I have a thick skin. Oh. Ouch. Oops. Is that a teeny tiny hole in my skin? How did you find that, you arrogant bastards? I will win in the end.

Crash Bang Whallop

Got beaten up today by a 5 year old girl and her sword. Then, nursing a red slap mark, went to the best part of my week... the belly dancing class. Like a child I was showing off and fell over my own clumsy foot onto my clumsy arse. Nice move. Going to rename blog to 'this week's big moment of shame'.

4

Lowlight of the day: daughter excitedly hands son his birthday present, soft Kwaazi Kitten toy. Son opens birthday present from sister, says 'I don't want that, I hate it', throws it to end of bed. Silence. Daughter's lip wobbles and the Most Enormous Tear rolls down her face. Ugh its making my heart bleed even thinking about it.

Highlight: watching son clutching the aforementioned present for the rest of the day, especially the bit where he took Kwaazi for a bounce on the new trampoline, chatting away to him, then stopping, turning round and blowing me a kiss. Heart mended.

Life is better in the sunshine.

Charlady

Today has been mostly cleaning. With a bit of tidying, making, baking, bit more cleaning, some shopping, feeding, then suddenly I feel a bit tired? Bed or gin? Both.

Activist

The news always reminds me I am a bit of a leftie. Don't tell my mum.

Lovely things 3

Sew Scrumptious

Lard

My utter laziness has led to yet another Pizza Night. The new freezer makes that more attainable (NB blame freezer not pizza purchaser...). Also tried out the new ice cream maker today 'to get the kids to be interested in fruit'.  Yeah... some strawberries... WhatEverrr. I had to clean the bowl. And the ice cream out of it. I don't even like ice cream. Byebye size 12 forever.

Rain

Was woken up last night by tremendous rain and am now a little paranoid. First the plague of mice, hopefully now gone. Then a plague of tadpoles in my neglected garden flower pots. Plague of workmen continues, but is lightening somewhat... now could be considered a drought, just when they are needed to finish stuff. Then this rain. I have a plan. I will fashion an ark from leftover cabinets and workshops, and the 3 wrong taps they sent (you always need taps on an ark) and take with me 2 grumpy parents, 2 cheeky monkeys and a cat with 2 personalities. All aboard, tickets limited.